Still Angry

It has been years ago, when I first got diagnosed with depression. 'Diagnosed' is a big word for what actually happened at my primary care physician's office. The conversation might have taken 7 minutes. At most. But then what else should be wrong with a perfectly healthy stay-at-home mother of two perfect young children. Isn't that what plagues most of us during this stage of our lives?

The anti-depressants seemed to work really fast. Only a couple of days in and I felt so much better. Less overwhelmed and calmer with the children. I could finally be the mother I always wanted to be for my sweet offspring. Well, the success was short lived. The lowest possible dose I have been prescribed gave me a tremble and slurred speech. I was so tired, I could not function any longer. 

I attempted to get help again about one year later. Now we are thinking there is an anxiety component. So let's take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds together. This time the side effects felt like a heart attack. 

Not only can my sensitive body not stand bright lights, loud sounds or touch, but I can also not take any amount of prescription drugs. But what is worse, is that I never should have been treated for depression or anxiety in the first place. In my 40s I learned that I am neurodivergent. What was wrong was the way I lived my life. I had zero alone time to recover, the noise and the constant touching that comes with being a parent was keeping me in a state of overwhelm. And yet, my days were incredibly boring. That alone is hell for a woman on the spectrum like me. 

Years later, I am still so 😡 ! How did nobody notice I was neurodivergent in all these years! Feeling broken, overwhelmed and so tired suddenly made sense. Everything makes sense now. I want better for you.